Fried Ferret Fingernails

This recipe is a must for Maddie's blog, since "Fried Ferret Fingernails" was often the answer to the question, "What's for dinner?" at our house.

Round up all available ferrets and leave them in cages overnight. Fill each cage half full with chopped onions, three minced garlic buds (equals about eighteen cloves), and one bag of cotton balls soaked in pure vanilla extract. By morning, this will ensure that the ferrets are sufficiently seasoned, marinated, and suffocated, or at least inebriated. Wearing rubber gloves, open the cages and discard any angry ferrets that remain. Discard the garlic and run the cotton balls through a garlic press, reserving vanilla extract. Fry the chopped onions in 3 T of Alberto VO5 hot oil (treatment). Remove the fingernails of each ferret with a cleaver or pick-ax, taking care not to break any fingernails. A word about portions: you will need two ferrets per dinner guest, as each ferret has only four nails per paw, or 16 nails in all, and of course one serving is 17 fingernails. Pour the fingernails into the onions and stir-fry with reserved vanilla extract, allowing the fingernails' natural organic toe-jam to thicken the liquid. Garnish each serving with a few ferret whiskers and three rabbit pellets, and enjoy!